~~~~~~~
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."
~~~~~~~~~~
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
~~~~~~~~~~
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air,
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...."
~~~~~~~~~~
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.
~~~~~~~~~~
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the bible means!"
His father smiled and replied,
"What do you mean, you 'know' what the bible means?"
The son replied,
"I do know!"
"Okay," said his father, "what does the bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy,"
the young boy replied excitedly,
"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered,
"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said
"Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played,
"The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
~~~~~~~~~~
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life.

*********************************************************************************
In a religious knowledge class, a new teacher ...
Teacher: where did you stop with your former teacher?
Class: ( chorus) THE WALLS OF JERICHO! SIR.
Teacher:( in the bid to know how well they understood the lesson, ordered one of the pupils up as he asked ) " YOU !, TELL ME. WHO PULLED DOWN THE WALLS OF JERICHO? "
Pupil: " I don't know the person sir. I am a new student sir. Just nine months old in this school. I was not here when the walls were pulled down. 
Teacher: You must have been transfered from a very useless school... and then turn swiftly to another pupil and shouted ...YOU!. The pupil sprang up in fear and exclaimed." NOT ME SIR! I WASN'T EVEN ADMITTED INTO THIS SCHOOL WHEN IT HAPPENED!" while this, one of the pupils whispered to the other..." this our new teacher looks mean and wicked, even if I knew the person who pulled down the walls of jericho, I will never tell him so that he doesn't crush the person.
The teacher, fed up with the pupils, ordered them all to the headmaster's office where he laid his complain.
In response the headmaster exclaimed..."MY DEAR YOUNG MAN, YOU KNOW MUCH ABOUT STUDENTS. EVEN IF THEY NEW THE PERSON, THEY WILL NOT MENTION. JUST BRING THE ESTIMATE TO THE SCHOOL AUTHORITY AND I'll SEE TO IT THAT THE WALLS OF JERICHO IS REBUILT !"
...lol!

Give the headmaster a NAME
 ***********************************************************************************************
Newlywed - "Sir, I see that card in your hand says Happy 40th Anniversary. If I may, can I ask how have you stayed married for so long?"

Old Married Man - "Well, young man ...let me see. First of all, realize that when you stood at that altar, you stood there with a person, and you exchanged vows with that person. Keep your vows. Secondly, stop looking at the externals all of the time. What you have or don't have. As long as you still have the person you married, you can get all of that other stuff. In my day, we didn't have to look at how much money people had, or what car they drove. That's just stuff that can disappear overnight. We looked at their bloodline...where they came from, and what their family was known for. If my wife's mother would have been running all around town...I would expect my wife would do the same....so I wouldn't have married her. Ultimately young man...my best advice to you is...FALL IN LOVE FOR REAL. If the love is real...there won't be a single thing on the face of this earth that you can't overcome together."

Newlywed - "Wow, that's really great sir. I will remember that. Thank you very much!"

Old Married Woman - "Ok Mike. ...c'mon now. It's about time for us to go."

Old Married Man - "Who is she?"

Newlywed - "Umm, I believe that is your wife sir."

Old Married Man - "I'm married?"

Old Married Woman (To the Newlywed) - "Don't worry about him sonny, he has had Alzheimer's for the last 25 years."
**************************************************************************************************
EVOLUTION

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human
race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve
and they had children and so all mankind was
made."
Two days later the girl asked her father, Cosmas,
the same question. Cosmas answered, "Many years
ago there were monkeys from which the human
race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God, and Dad said
they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your
father told you about his."